Church Happenings

Now I know that a church is sacred ground and I do not mean to be irreverent or offend anyone, least of all God…but sometimes really funny things happen in church. So I hope all concerned have a sense of humor as I relate a few anecdotes.

The pillar of the community, the salt of the earth, had died. The congregation gathered in our little country church to celebrate his life and mourn his passing. As often happens, someone forgot to turn off his cell phone. The phone owner panicked when the phone tone rang out during the funeral and instead of turning off the phone he simply hung up on the caller. Three times the caller called back and three times the phone song rang out through the church with “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to go now.”

Old school Catholics, those of us who remember our Latin prayers, still feel uncomfortable about talking aloud in the church. The younger generation is at ease with engaging in good fellowship and conversation before and after mass. As we waited for tardy stragglers to choir practice, our beloved director (an extrovert’s extrovert) began her enthusiastic monologue of what interesting and humorous events had occurred in the last week of her life. I noticed a couple of the male choir members whispering and looking to the front of the church. When I too looked to the sanctuary, I saw that the tabernacle was glowing an angry red. As the red darkened, it began to pulsate…throbbing…throbbing! My first thought was of the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, when the Ark of the Covenant began to act up just before it fried a couple dozen Nazis. Just as I was about to drop to my knees and publically confess transgressions, one of the whispering duo said “Lorrie, you best not talk so loud. Look at the tabernacle.” The gleam in his eye told me this was a natural not a supernatural happening. A jumbo over-sized load was approaching slowly down the road in front of the church. The red lights from the dozen or so escorting state police cars shone through the glass rear doors and reflected off the golden tabernacle doors. And to think I almost spilt my guts to the whole choir!

What began as whimpering had escalated into a full-blown tantrum. To the relief of many, the little girl’s father decided it was time to remove her from the church service. As he proceeded slowly down the central aisle toward the rear door, the girl realized that her struggling and crying were in vain. She suddenly threw pleading open arms over her father’s shoulders toward the watching congregation and screamed at the top of her voice, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

The choir director could not attend the church service, so she sent her teenage son to direct in her place. The young man was musically quite capable but seemed a little ill at ease directing adults twice and three times his age. As for the choir, we were perhaps over eager to show that we appreciated his stepping in and we were ready to accept his leadership. As practice proceeded, the pews began to fill. When we came to the final hymn the young man said quietly, so as not to disturb the gathering congregation, “We don’t need to practice all the verses on this song; we’ll just go through the first verse and the refrain so that we get a good feel for it.”
“Oh yes!” blurted out one of the choir ladies too loudly and enthusiastically, “I NEED a really good feel!”

A stunned silence filled the church.