Working in a Workout

Before I retired, I was on a tight schedule; at 5 am the clock radio would suddenly start blaring country music. I would make ten or fifteen vain attempts to rise and each time fall back. I had just completed my first set of crunches. About that time a hand would slip out from under the covers and switch on a blinding light to tell me I really did have to get up. Then, in a sitting position on the side of the bed, I rose and sat down 20 times in succession—shallow knee bends to preserve my manly tush.

When I got into the bathroom, I started hot water running into the tub and began brushing my teeth. As I brushed my teeth, I did a hundred toe rises. I could feel the burn in my foot arches and my thighs, but especially in my calves. Once soaking in the tub, I managed to get in my second set of stomach crunches. Getting out and drying off, I held the towel behind my head and pulled strongly to either side, using it as an exercise band.

Next came the part I disliked. When I was half-dressed, I’d close my eyes, take a few deep breaths and channel my Army basic training drill instructor yelling, “Drop and give me twenty!” As I did the push-ups, I listened to my body; if it said “your good”, I’d go for another ten. Otherwise, I’d shut it down and save cardiac arrest for another morning.

After reading the scale (“ Oh, sh.. !”), I’d face the mirror, make two fists behind my neck and isometrically pull them slowly forward half a dozen times until I could really feel my biceps burn. Once I’d finished a quick shave, I looked in the mirror and did my best Charles Atlas pose, rippling my pecs and abs for a few seconds. I had managed to work a fairly strenuous calisthenics into my 15-minute morning routine.

As I gazed in the mirror, I could not help but utter, “Why couldn’t I have been born rich… instead of so darn good looking!”
From the kitchen came a muffled muttering, “Why couldn’t he have been either one?”
A couple coffee slurping sounds and then, “It takes a village to raise a husband.”
Guess it was time to turn the bathroom over to Grumpus and let her transform into the beautiful butterfly I knew she was.